How To Meet Women

An open letter to parents with children ages 3 months-12 years.

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Hello From Havey April 13, 2004

Hello From Havey October 10, 2004

Hello From Havey December 2, 2004

Johnny Carson 1925 - 2005

Hello From Havey January 11, 2005

Hello From Havey February 25, 2005

Hello From Havey June 21, 2005

The Christmas Vagina

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Hello From Havey
June 21, 2005

To the class of 2005: If you're graduating this summer or in a transitional mind set, dive in. The advice is free.

Tivo is for pussies. If you have it, get rid of it. Why join the disillusioned hordes who think they control their destinies when they "Tivo". It's still television and you still have to take the time to watch it. If something's on the tube and you can't get home in time… let it go.

Get out of town. Most people die 50 miles from where they were born. Why? They didn't get out of town while they had the chance. They get married and stay close to home. They wind up miserable because they have an extra seventeen social obligations a year. Weddings, funerals, birthdays, bar mitzvahs and every time a new tooth comes in you'll be guilt tripped to appear at the "event". Putting a thousand miles between you and your home town makes sending a greeting card and the occasional check your biggest responsibility. You'll save time and money.

If a friend asks "can I be honest with you?" say no. Trust me, in the long run it only means pain. In turn, fight the compulsion to be "honest" with others. Ask questions you only want answers to and answer only questions that are asked directly. Avoiding drama is one of the keys to daily happiness.

When it comes to fabrics, cotton is king. Although a Dacron-Poly blend is groovy as well.

Be nice to your little sister's friends.

Lose weight now. After the age of thirty the forces of Nature work against you.

The upside of Kabuki Theatre? You only have to experience it once.

If you're not feeling that hungry, don't feel guilty. Look the waiter straight in the eye and order an appetizer. Who the hell does he think he is?

A marriage will hold up as long as you work at it. Children are forever. Therefore start them on mundane chores as soon as they are able. It will not only make it easier on your lower back, you'll have more time to work on that pesky marriage.

This isn't the happiest day of your life. That will come later on an uneventful Thursday. Don't worry about being happy. In my experience there is only one way to improve the odds of happiness. As you navigate work, play, love, pain, death and cross town traffic…

STICK AND MOVE!

Sincerely,
Allan