How To Meet Women

An open letter to parents with children ages 3 months-12 years.

Road Diary

Hello From Havey April 13, 2004

Hello From Havey October 10, 2004

Hello From Havey December 2, 2004

Johnny Carson 1925 - 2005

Hello From Havey January 11, 2005

Hello From Havey February 25, 2005

Hello From Havey June 21, 2005

The Christmas Vagina

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Hello From Havey
January 11, 2005

Hi kids, welcome to the New Year. I hope your holiday season was a warm and happy one. If it wasn't, pull a chair up to the computer and gather the family. It's time for the first annual Havey Awards. Perhaps this will warm your innards and bring a smile to the kiddies.

BEST FILM - Alexander
Just 47 minutes into this train wreck you will leave the theatre at such a high rate of speed that it will improve your overall cardiovascular system leaving you flushed and grateful that you are no longer in the clutches of Oliver Stones stroke fest. Physical and mental health improved for a better you!

MOST AWAITED ALIBI - Phil Specter
This was a close one but the legendary producer just squeaked by Robert Blake. Phil, gun, girl and empty house. The wall of sound will be unable to protect this whack job. What can he say? "Jeepers, it was an accident"? By the way if you want to kill your spouse, come to California! You may not get off, but you will have a long grace period before the state brings charges against you. Use the time wisely!

BEST SIDE STEP - Dan Rather
How in the hell did he keep his job! Four top staffers tossed to the streets and Dan manages to hang onto his chair? I want to find out the real dirt. Was the Bush "military record" forged? Was it a plot? Why don't they sic the 60 minutes staff on him? Let Mike Wallace grill Rather for 2 hours. We may not find out the whole truth but it would be fun to watch that smug newsreader sweat. Courage.

BEST MIME - Randy Moss
Not only can he do the standard "pulling down the pants after the touchdown bit", but he also can walk out of the stadium with the wind! What a talent.

BEST PIMPING JOB - Gloria Allred
Nothings better than the old whore/victim switcheroo. Amber Frey is a decent, caring mother with two children out of wedlock who fell under the charm of Scott Peterson. She was vulnerable. That would explain being out until 630am on their first date. Poor baby. Can't wait for the book.

BIGGEST BALLS - Kevin Spacey
Why would you want to buy a Bobby Darin album when you can hear Kevin Spacey sing Darin's greatest hits! Doesn't that make perfect sense? Can't wait to see his Billie Holiday bio.

BEST IDEA FOR A TV SHOW? - Live on HBO!
Martha Stewart's first meal out of prison and/or first piece of ass. What's it going to be? Salmon soufflé or a Latin landscaper? Stay tuned kids!

More Havey awards next week!


Later, Havey