How To Meet Women

An open letter to parents with children ages 3 months-12 years.

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Hello From Havey April 13, 2004

Hello From Havey October 10, 2004

Hello From Havey December 2, 2004

Johnny Carson 1925 - 2005

Hello From Havey January 11, 2005

Hello From Havey February 25, 2005

Hello From Havey June 21, 2005

The Christmas Vagina

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Hello From Havey
December 2, 2004

Last month was one of the most exciting I’ve had in my life. I spent 10 days in Afghanistan entertaining the troops. I was accompanied by fellow comedian Scott Kennedy and our military escorts Lt. Emily Wnuk and Sgt Washington Hansen. We performed all over the country, mostly at small fire bases. The unexpected ease of the Afghan elections just 3 days prior had put the soldiers in good spirits. The shows were well received. Quite a few of the men and women confessed they hadn’t smiled in weeks let alone laugh. I’ve never been in a war zone, and I had a few reservations before I left, but once I was around the soldiers I felt perfectly safe. There is a deep sense of commitment and pride in the job they are doing. No politics or flashy patriotism, but professionalism at the deepest level that I have ever witnessed. I wish to thank not only Lt. Wnuk and Sgt Hansen, Chuck Younglove and everyone at MWR for their hospitality but most of all the soldiers who made us feel at home.

After a ten hour flight from Frankfurt, I arrived back in Santa Monica just in time to watch my beloved St. Louis Cardinals get swept by the Boston Red Sox. Before this debacle the Cards were 3-3 in the fall classic (since I’ve been around) every series went 7 games. I guess I should be grateful that my agony wasn’t prolonged. How in the hell do you win 105 games and then get swept in the series? That’s like killing in comedy clubs for years and then getting a shot on Letterman and spitting up blood. Congrats to the Red Sox fans. And wasn’t that nice of them to forgive Bill Buckner? Let me get this straight; a Bishop who enables molestation gets a dinner in his honor, but if you miss a ground ball you’ve got dues to pay? Maybe the city of Boston beat the crap out of the wrong Cardinals.

I live in a blue state with an Austrian born Governor who’s a republican action-hero and sometimes, I still can’t believe that Bush was re-elected. It certainly sucks to lose. It’s not hard once you think about it. Democrats listen up. Keep Michael Moore behind the camera. What in the hell was he doing at the Republican Convention? This egotistical blowhard was pissing off voters. Who cares if you’ve got the number one movie? Yes, I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 and it was well made. But without his “cute and clever” comments it would have been more effective. There was an abundance of voters on the fence who could give a rats ass about celebrities parading around Kerry. Hollywood isn’t that special anymore. Entertainment Tonight and all the clones vomit celebrity at America 24/7. The publicity meat grinder and the power of television have turned Robert De Niro and some shmuck with a bow tie on The Apprentice into one and the same. So tell Whoopi it’s time to shut her pie hole. And if Rob Reiner doesn’t want to direct anymore drag his ass to the La Brea tar pits.

In this spirit of goodwill I’d like to wish everyone a happy holiday season. Whatever you celebrate, have fun, keep sane and breathe deep.

See you in the New Year.

Later,
Allan