How To Meet Women

An open letter to parents with children ages 3 months-12 years.

Road Diary

Hello From Havey April 13, 2004

Hello From Havey October 10, 2004

Hello From Havey December 2, 2004

Johnny Carson 1925 - 2005

Hello From Havey January 11, 2005

Hello From Havey February 25, 2005

Hello From Havey June 21, 2005

The Christmas Vagina

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Hello From Havey
October 10, 2004

Hello everyone. Yes, I know, I’ve been away for awhile. My apologies to all who visit this site on a regular basis. I promise monthly if not weekly updates. Thanks for all the comments. Let’s go.

One of the biggest kicks I’ve had performing in a long time has been PUNK’D on MTV. There’s nothing as much fun as messing with people’s heads and getting paid for it. I was a huge fan of Candid Camera when I was a kid, but nothing prepared me for the intensity of setting up a high profile “mark”. You get one chance to make it work (it’s never faked) and once you see the crew spending hours to set up the hidden cameras, believe me, you want to hit it out of the park. I had a gas getting the best of Kanye West, Tyra Banks and Shannon Elisabeth. Although nothing was as much fun as playing a cop and causing Brandy’s lower lip to start quivering. What a perverse thrill to see a multi-millionaire shake with fear…what artistic heights scaled…

Howard Stern goes to satellite radio and his fans will follow. Whether you like him or not, he’s one of the few mavericks you can point to in the last 20 years. He’s changed radio and will continue to do so with his new contract with Sirius. The challenge for Stern will be where to draw the line now that he’s the only one doing it. Stern is smart. He’ll create a new arena for his peers. I, for one, will enjoy a radio show without corporate or government interference. Apparently you have to go to outer space to avoid the morality of Uncle Sam.

Speaking of the devil, I caught the first two presidential debates and I just don’t get it. I watched in horror as our commander-in-chief tries to put eight sentences together in one fluid motion. I’m not talking politics, I’m talking pure debating chops, which he doesn’t posses. He seems irritable and cranky. His impatient tone gives the impression that this whole debating thing is so unnecessary. Why take time for chit chat when there are evil doers to track down?

What really irks me is that in all the post debate “analysis” not one network commentator has called him on it. Say what you want about content and policy, the man is a horrible speaker. It’s true that Reagan and Clinton did spoil us. Hell, even Bush senior could rant with the best of them. But Dubya has stumbled on the world’s stage from the wings. Holding a hat and cane, blinking into the spotlight with a fresh coat of flop sweat. Then the TV heads give him a participation trophy and a pat on the back. Another fissure in the foundation of western civilization.

So I say to hell with western civilization. I’m leaving today for the sunny slopes of Afghanistan. I’m going over to entertain the men and women of the armed forces. The nuns back at school would never believe that one day I would be sent half way around the world for the morale and welfare of U.S. troops. I’ve been practicing yoga for the last 3 months and I can proudly say I can go from standing tall to the fetal position in 1.8 seconds.

But without a hint of irony, I can say that I’m truly excited at the prospect of performing in a war zone for the kids over there…as well as the outside chance of sharing K rations with Christiane Amanpour. I yearn to see her smile in the Afghan moonlight.

See you in November.

VOTE ON NOVEMBER 2ND…IT MATTERS!

Later,
Allan