How To Meet Women

An open letter to parents with children ages 3 months-12 years.

Road Diary

Hello From Havey April 13, 2004

Hello From Havey October 10, 2004

Hello From Havey December 2, 2004

Johnny Carson 1925 - 2005

Hello From Havey January 11, 2005

Hello From Havey February 25, 2005

Hello From Havey June 21, 2005

The Christmas Vagina

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Hello From Havey
April 13, 2004

Play ball. Love it that baseball season is here. Wonder how post-steroid depression is going to play out on the diamond? Doesn't look like Barry Bonds has the blues, does it? Hey, those of you fortunate to have a box seat, don't be shy, bring a plastic cup and lean over for samples between innings. Ask the power hitters on your team to put a head on it, for the children.

Janet Jackson's breast turned into a snowball and took Bubba the love sponge and Howard Stern crashing to the bottom of the hill where it's all white and soft and nobody gets hurt just the way a democratic society demands. I only wish the FCC would fine radio hosts who offend children comedically. Paris Hilton on my 13 year old nephews screen saver looks regally benign as she makes the clubhouse turn. Thank God she's got a network show.

Just as I predicted, Post breast-America has drawn a line. Everyone is going down. Scott Petersen, Robert Blake, the Tyco Twins and Phil Spector are going to follow Martha Stewart to the other side of the big clang. Even Michael Jackson (in his pathetic attempt at self preservation) visiting congress to speak about the Aids epidemic in Africa had old money white men hiding under their desks. How wise they were, another minor just came out of the Never land woodwork.

Yes I've seen the Apprentice. Let me get this straight. You put a gang of self-important wannabe yuppies in a competitive atmosphere to work for America's biggest asshole and they lie, cheat, and lick ass like a house dog? How fascinating! Isn't it a hoot that during one of the highest periods of unemployment in our nation's history the newest catch phrase is you're fired? Remember kids, if you keep watching this crap you just put more slop in the Donald's trough. Allowing him to squat over our country and drop more concrete turds. Think about it. Watch CSI or read Us Weekly. Anything but Trump.

As much fun as watching Phil Mickleson on the back nine at Augusta, I'm fascinated as the Bush administration winds down. I've seen my Presidents shot, quit, and impeached. But this crew takes the cake. They held off as long as they could but finally had to have this pesky 9/11 hearing. When you're trapped there are just so many limbs you can chew off. Now we know why they resisted it. The truth comes out as soldiers in Iraq go down. Every putt by Team Bush rims the cup and heads off the green. Mulligan city. November is coming soon. Sharpen your pencils. You won't need your thinking caps.

That's all for now. You might catch me on a Wendy's commercial. At least I don't go to Japan to make them. Like the big pussy Harrison Ford.

Later,
Allan